Thankful

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Before I started writing this, I was sitting on my couch feeling a bit sorry for myself. 

This afternoon I had a meeting with my attorney and I learned my divorce won't be finalized as quickly as I'd hoped.  I came home, bitched to Mary, and turned the dvr'd episode of today's Oprah with Garth Brooks.  The first song he sang was Unanswered Prayers. It's a beautiful song, but I couldn't help but think how different (ie easier) my life would have been if God had left my prayer for a husband unanswered.  Of all the prayers, why did God have to pick that one to answer? 

Garth closed the show by singing The Dance.

The Dance got me thinking.  Would I really change the last four years of my life if given the chance?  Of course, my initial reaction is a resounding "Hell yes," but after a little bit of thinking, my answer changed. 

I've eluded to this before, but I don't think I've ever come out and said it.  I am thankful for my marriage.

Before you start calling me crazy - hear me out. 

Was it a healthy relationship? No. 
Would I ever wish an abusive relationship on anyone? No.
Am I still struggling with the negative effects my marriage had on my life? Yes.
Would I do it all over again if I were given the chance? Probably not.
Did going through a bad marriage bring me to where I am today? Absolutely.

You see, I strongly believe that my ex-husband is indirectly (and maybe directly) responsible for me becoming a runner.  He took me to a very dark and scary place, one that I was sure I'd never escape. Looking back on my life since my separation, I now know without a doubt that I needed to hit rock bottom for me to learn that I had the strength to pick myself up.  And for me, picking myself up began the day I took those first steps as a runner.

Running has sped up the healing process. I learned that I could do things I never thought I could, like run a mile. It made me believe that I could do things that seemed impossible, like run a marathon.  It has allowed me to travel and to make new friends.  It has allowed me to raise thousands of dollars for causes that I hold close to my heart. Most importantly, running has given me a confidence that I never thought was possible.  

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

For me, truer words have never been spoken. 

Now as I sit here, looking back on my life in a different perspective than I had just 2 hours ago, I realize that God sure does know what He is doing.  So many of my prayers did, indeed, go unanswered. During the 7 1/2 months of my marriage I said many prayers asking God for a child and maybe even more prayers asking that He give me the strength to keep my marriage going.  I never asked God for the strength to leave or to allow me to be content without a child, yet that's just what He did.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm going to take a moment to be thankful for so many things, including the things I often wish didn't happen.